by: Dominic Lerias Sanchez
I am tired of knowing for there is nothing to hold on to. There is nothing more to gain for am so limited that in order for me to acquire more, I must discard so there will be room for more. I have to forget and unlearn so as to learn and remember anew.
I am tired of aspiring, for even the greatest men are defined not by themselves but by the world around them. We are just shadows and no matter how big we become, we will always be delimited by the light that surrounds us – by the very things that we are not! Like shadows we are known by our boundaries. Like shadows we are nothing, and like nothing we cannot define who we are. The more we glorify our selves, the more we magnify our worthlessness.
I am tired of reading, for the unwritten words overwhelm me like an ambush from in between the lines. And even writing, for sentences tend to enforce a limit to my convictions.
I work to live and live to work, again, and again, and again. Yet, I never get to live my life or make it work.
Knowledge indeed opens my eyes, but only gives me liberty to linger in a universe that already engulfs me, and in the first place isn’t mine.
I am incarcerated in a prison with no doors to smash through, no bars to pass through, and no walls to climb on. Yet, no matter where I go, the infinite void follows me as if I am the center of this universe, making each step the first step of an interminably futile struggle for liberty.
The universe, its lure of freedom, is a vastness of deception. For its emptiness conceals an impermeable chasm that confines me only to my self. Its nothingness even seems to be powerful, for thought it is not conscious of itself, it tends to bend me to its will, as if it has one.
I go to and fro and someday will fade, but nothingness seems to last forever because even if it fades, it will fade unto itself and therefore remains eternally as it is.
I am just a wanderer, totally lost in someone else’s dream, and only The Lord Who dreamt me can understand this dream and save me.
But I do not condemn the world, even though it seems to drown me. I am still the glorious captain of my ship, albeit on its voyage to nowhere, and one who will never curse even the most turbulent sea, for I know, monstrous as they are, it is these waters that keep my ship afloat.
I refuse to lose hope and I keep my vigil faithful. Someday, The Lord Who dreamt me will find me, and He will take me with Him, as He awakens a new Heaven and a new Earth, a new universe where there will be no more sleep.